Delight for penny pinchers, supermarket socialites and shoppers who consider a three-minute transaction an unacceptable rush.
Walmart has announced the introduction of a revolutionary new self-checkout system designed specifically for shoppers who appear to have absolutely nowhere else to be. The new Slow Lane will allow customers to take their time scanning groceries, counting loose change and discussing the weather with anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact.
The new checkout system, officially known as the SLSS (Slow Lane Self-Service), is initially being trialled at a Walmart store in Florida, where the local population of elderly shoppers, coupon enthusiasts and people who treat supermarket shopping as a full-day recreational activity makes it an ideal testing ground.
The checkouts will feature AI technology programmed to hold basic conversations about the weather, medical complaints, the price of groceries and how much better everything was back in 1975. The voice assistant will reportedly imitate the voice of a friendly pensioner, although Walmart is considering adding a Alex Trebek option for customers who like a soothing and familiar voice.
The new lanes are also expected to attract a particular category of customer: mobility scooter enthusiasts who are perfectly capable of walking around the supermarket but apparently consider the journey from the entrance to the checkout an Olympic endurance event.
Walmart management is already anticipating problems with shoppers attempting to sneak their enormous mobility scooters into the regular checkout lanes, only to park sideways across three aisles while explaining that they are in a terrible hurry.
Customers taking too long at conventional self-checkouts will be politely encouraged to move to the Slow Lane, where they can enjoy a more relaxed shopping experience without holding up everyone else.
Walmart’s Florida store manager, Peter Thomas, had the following to say:
“Gone are the days of the ‘for fuck’s sake’ murmurs, dirty looks, exaggerated glances at the watch and loud sighing in the hope that the person counting out 47 cents in nickels will get the message. These new checkouts will allow slower customers to take their time, chat about the weather and search through their handbags for coupons they haven’t used since the Clinton administration. It’s a win-win for everyone.”
Walmart is also considering introducing a dedicated mobility scooter parking area beside the Slow Lane, although officials fear it could quickly become a gathering point for customers who arrive at 9am, buy a single banana and don’t leave until lunchtime.
Other major retailers are expected to monitor the trial closely, with Target and Costco reportedly considering similar schemes.
Meanwhile, Walmart has reminded customers that the Slow Lane is not intended for people who simply want to avoid paying for a cashier. Anyone attempting to use it while displaying a perfectly healthy pair of legs may be asked to provide proof of laziness.
