PLUS… Find out how to spot a gluten-intolerant person and how to avoid them
It’s official: the results are in. After a widespread survey covering all of the UK, including Wales, we can now say that 90% of gluten-intolerant people are actually intolerant people, with most individuals in the UK finding them hugely unbearable.
Scandal HQ’s recent survey asked a series of questions in schools, restaurants, and homes, and the results made for interesting reading.
- 94% of gluten-intolerant people are intolerant, making them very unbearable, particularly during feasting periods.
- 95% of people who are gluten-intolerant are self-diagnosed.
- Of the 6% of people who said gluten-intolerant people were not annoying. Five per cent were related to them.
For those lucky enough not to know any gluten-intolerant people, be sure to read Scandal HQ’s official guide below.
Who are ‘gluten-intolerant’ people?
Gluten-intolerant people are said to have arrived on Earth in the late ’90s, around the time young British adults had more disposable income, became more snobby, and foods such as pesto and sweet chilli sauce became common in Britain.
There are two types of gluten-intolerant people. The real ones—sometimes referred to as coeliacs—cannot eat any food made with gluten, such as bread or pasta. The other type, fake gluten-intolerant people, are similar, only they like people to falsely believe they cannot eat gluten products. They also tend to be more irritating than real gluten-friendly people.
What’s the difference between a real and fake gluten-intolerant person?
Real gluten-intolerant people like to blend in with the general public and can be hard to spot. They can go without real food for days, preferring to eat what can only be described as rabbit food.
Fake gluten-intolerant people, as opposed to their real counterparts, have a very punchable face. They like to tell anybody who will listen about their self-diagnosed condition while seeking maximum pity. This is sometimes followed by a sob story about how unfair life is.
Where are they found?
Gluten-intolerant people are found primarily in hipster cities and towns. There have been reports of sightings in villages and small rural towns, but generally they stick to cities, where they pester cafés and restaurants that are more accepting of their imaginary condition.
They can sometimes be found in kebab shops in the early hours of the morning when alcohol is involved, conveniently forgetting that they told everyone they were gluten-intolerant.
I have a friend or family member who acts slightly gluten-intolerant. Should I be worried?
Definitely not. If they were gluten-intolerant, they would be sure to tell you—and anybody else who will listen.
How do you spot a ‘gluten-intolerant’ person?
They usually have a sour-looking face and pretend to enjoy their leafy meal, washed down with a glass of water.
What should you do if you spot a gluten-intolerant person?
The simplest thing to do is avoid them. They tend to do very little physical harm, preferring to cause damage with their mouths. Gluten-intolerant people suffer from verbal diarrhoea, which can be contagious.
